Cancer

My sister-in-law was diagnosed with cancer a while ago. It was APL (Acute promyelocytic leukemia (a subtype of acute myelogenous leukemia (AML), or stated briefly: a cancer of the white blood cells.)) It was a whirlwind of emotions from the diagnosis, her being rushed to the hospital, coming to terms with what it was and meant, remission, having the cancer come back, watching her suffer, and finally watching her go through remission again.

Hospitalized
2013
Photo
8" x 10"

My sister-in-law handled the cancer quite well actually; she felt it was all part of a grander and more celestial plan but those around her struggled. I’ve never been good at dealing with the suffering of others. When it’s in their head I feel that I can do something but when their body is the problem I feel at a loss. I can sit there and tell them I’m sorry for them but I can’t heal their broken bones, keep them from dying, or in this case cure her cancer. I felt useless and like a hindrance whenever I was around her. I became guarded partly from not knowing what to do and also from my extreme discomfort of hospitals and doctors. Our once close relationship started to fray as we became distant.

Sheila
2013
Ink and Coffee
24" x 18"
I had to return home to school shortly after going down to
visit her in the hospital (when she first was admitted)
while the rest of the family remained with her. I made
this painting of her that night.

So what was I to do? I couldn’t help her, I couldn’t help the family, I couldn’t help financially so I turned to the one thing I knew; art. At least there I could capture my feelings and make them more tangible even if it was just for my own benefits. It was actually a really interesting experience for me in regards to inspiration because for the vast majority of my artwork I find total inspiration within the confines of my own head. It’s not that I’m egotistical or narcissistic-the experiences in my life have always just provided me with enough fuel for my artistic fire. This whole experience took that in a different direction as I centered my artwork around the life of another. Since I've known her she has had long, beautiful hair (reaching down to her lower back). She was extremely attached to it so the prospect of losing it due to chemotherapy was daunting for those around her. It was almost more significant in my artwork  than her face itself (which often times wasn't even her face) because to me it was so closely entwined with her personality. 

Cancer is terrible. I know some feel it's a blessing in disguise but I don't; I think it's horrible and I’m truly sorry that she had to go through this experience. One of the few good thing (for me) to come from this was a series of images I had of her. At one point of our relationship I felt that we were really close and that we had a good connection but over the years it’s almost completely disintegrated. For me it seemed as if the deterioration of our friendship was a delayed response to her body’s deterioration.

Sick
2013
Ink and Coffee
24" x 18"
This was created with the same medium as the
first portrait I did of her. It seemed fitting that they
be sisters in a series with this one capturing my
feelings of loss and regret as our friendship slowly
deteriorated.

She was just released from the hospital with a clean bill of health (as healthy as you can be with hardly any immune system) and we’re all hoping this time is the final time she’ll have to go through this. This post is somewhat of a tribute to her-like if I put this out into the universe it can somehow help keep her cancer at bay. So here’s to you Sheila and anybody else whose life has been touched by cancer. All I can offer you is my artwork-which is honestly the most personal thing I could ever give someone.

Sheila (Blue/Grey Version)
2013
Intaglio Print
4" x 6"

Self-Portrait and Smoke

Self Portrait
2014
Photo-Litho
23" x 16"

Over the years I've created a lot of self-portraits. Most of them were more traditional; created using charcoal and using a mirror as a reference. The problem is that I see no reflection of myself in the mirror. I see the face of the person I know everyone else sees.

A lot of this stems from my relationship with my long time friend Borderline Personality Disorder. I feel a lot of disassociation with my mirrored reflection or pictures of me. Sometimes I scroll through pictures of me from family events and it creeps me out because I remember being there but I see a stranger standing and smiling where I should be standing. 

I've put a lot of thought into what I think I truly look like, sometimes laying awake for hours at night trying to figure it out. It might sound silly or trivial but it causes me a lot of discomfort sometimes. I moved into an apartment recently where there are mirrors everywhere. My wife enjoys them and says they make the room look bigger but I can't stand them. I spend my days avoiding eye contact everywhere I turn as I try to ignore the stranger ever present in the room. 

So back to the image. I don't think I captured my innermost self completely or accurately but it's the closest I've ever come. It's more like I'm trying to capture an emotion of the person behind my mask. Unfortunately the emotions are constantly changing and evolving so it's like trying to capture the wispy lines of smoke as they dance from a blown out candle. One day I will capture my essence in the form of a painting or artwork; I have to. I've tried to give up art multiple times throughout my life (the most recently being after graduating last May from Utah State University) but something keeps pulling me back and I think the culprit is my self-portrait. It's almost as if once I can properly display what I am I will have said what I need to through my artwork. 

Until then I'll just keep creating art that captures a sliver of my soul like a camera captures a fleeting image of a grander scene. The more I make the more I can piece together that fashion a sort of living mosaic; a visual diary containing my past and present. 

Captured Smoke
2013
Photo
12" x 9"

P.s. Here's a fun little link on Borderline Personality Disorder from Psych Central: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/