Self-Portrait and Smoke

Self Portrait
2014
Photo-Litho
23" x 16"

Over the years I've created a lot of self-portraits. Most of them were more traditional; created using charcoal and using a mirror as a reference. The problem is that I see no reflection of myself in the mirror. I see the face of the person I know everyone else sees.

A lot of this stems from my relationship with my long time friend Borderline Personality Disorder. I feel a lot of disassociation with my mirrored reflection or pictures of me. Sometimes I scroll through pictures of me from family events and it creeps me out because I remember being there but I see a stranger standing and smiling where I should be standing. 

I've put a lot of thought into what I think I truly look like, sometimes laying awake for hours at night trying to figure it out. It might sound silly or trivial but it causes me a lot of discomfort sometimes. I moved into an apartment recently where there are mirrors everywhere. My wife enjoys them and says they make the room look bigger but I can't stand them. I spend my days avoiding eye contact everywhere I turn as I try to ignore the stranger ever present in the room. 

So back to the image. I don't think I captured my innermost self completely or accurately but it's the closest I've ever come. It's more like I'm trying to capture an emotion of the person behind my mask. Unfortunately the emotions are constantly changing and evolving so it's like trying to capture the wispy lines of smoke as they dance from a blown out candle. One day I will capture my essence in the form of a painting or artwork; I have to. I've tried to give up art multiple times throughout my life (the most recently being after graduating last May from Utah State University) but something keeps pulling me back and I think the culprit is my self-portrait. It's almost as if once I can properly display what I am I will have said what I need to through my artwork. 

Until then I'll just keep creating art that captures a sliver of my soul like a camera captures a fleeting image of a grander scene. The more I make the more I can piece together that fashion a sort of living mosaic; a visual diary containing my past and present. 

Captured Smoke
2013
Photo
12" x 9"

P.s. Here's a fun little link on Borderline Personality Disorder from Psych Central: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder-symptoms/